Yer a Wizard, Tony
by Lady Shadow Walker
Summary: A "normal" day at the Avengers Tower was never really "normal", per say, but this was just getting ridiculous. Suffice to say, poultry was officially banned from the Tower, and Tony wouldn't be parting from his stick anytime soon.


_**A/N: Lookie, lookie! My first Marvel fanfiction! I had a lot of fun with this one, and I really hope you all enjoy it. I would greatly appreciate it if you would leave me a review and give me your thoughts and opinions. I'm always game for improving my writing.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters or other recognizable content, which is a dreadful fact that has kept me up many a night.**_

 **~Yer a Wizard, Tony . . . Not~**

The day had started off normally enough . . . well, as normally as could be expected when living in the Avenger Tower. All of the team had moved in easily enough once the invitation was given, and they had settled into a sort of routine. Currently, all of the members were there, including Thor who was on earth to visit Jane.

Currently the superheros were all sprawled around the kitchen eating breakfast. As always, Thor was noisy; Tony and Steve argued; Bruce sighed; Clint made strange faces at his food while eying the nearest entrance to the air ducts; and Natasha observed everyone a calculating stare.

Personally, Tony liked the company. He had been wary at first, but it was quite nice. When he was young he had gotten used to being more or less alone, and it was a nice change, always having someone around. Granted, all of his team mates had their ups and downs.

Bruce was probably his favorite. It was _amazing_ to have someone to bounce ideas off of without getting incredulous looks and "say what?"s. Of course, there was also the whole suprise-me-and-I'll-turn-green-and-wreck-the-place, but hey, that wasn't his fault. Besides, he liked remodeling. It was just unfortunate when he needed a lab to test his idea before it fluttered away, but oh, oops, all three had just been destroyed. But he digressed.

Thor was a riot when he was around. He always had interesting tales, and man, was he going to have to find a way to get Thor to take him to another realm. Unfortunately, the god was hammer happy and didn't understand most human concepts like not smashing plates and cups.

Steve was a source of . . . conflicting emotions. Sure, the guy was a good leader and all that, but he was so _infuriating_. His perfect, chivalrous act grated on Tony's nerves, and what was the guy's deal with defending his dad? He was the one that grew up with the man; he didn't need a deep frozen super soldier to tell him how his _own_ father acted. Still, Steve had grown on him, and he was probably the most dependable on the team.

Clint, now he liked Clint. The sniper had an awesome sense of humor, and boy did he have some interesting stories. After the assassin had fallen through the air vents above his lab one day, Tony had gotten to talking to him and he got along with him incredibly well.

Now, Natasha . . . that was a different story. Maybe one day he would have liked her, but with their past. Nope, not a good preset on a friendship. She had spied on him for months, lied to him, and pretended to be someone who she wasn't. She had been fully able and willing to kill him at any second, and that was so not cool. He knew he'd never trust her again, even though he did liker her.

Back to the day, though. After breakfast, everyone went their separate ways, as always. Clint scrambled for an air vent. Natasha and Steve went to a gym to get sweaty in the most boring way possible. Thor declared that he was going to watch the "Flix of Net" with "my lovely lady Jane!". Tony and Bruce broke off to a lab to experiment.

They spent several hours working on a three suits: one that would affect gravity, allowing flight; one that was Hulk resistant (something that was _very_ necessary); and a design they were working on for the resident Spiderman. The kid had sent them some designs he was working on, and they were busy tweaking them. Tony made a mental note to hire the young hero at some point. Maybe he could invite him to the Tower? Hm, he'd think about it.

The gravity suit opened some interesting possibilities though. What if they installed gravity devices throughout the Tower so that they could randomly switch to space walk? That would be pretty awesome. Bruce seemed less enthused than Tony, but oh well.

He was just wondering if the neighborly Mercenary with a Mouth would want suit upgrade when that horrible ding on his and Bruce's phone alerted them to a new catastrophe. In the hopes that he was wrong, he flicked up the message and promptly groaned.

 _Avengers Assemble._

It took less than five minutes for the entire team to be out in the city combating the horrible, evil, no good monsters of the day. Really, though, Tony had wanted something _interesting_ today. If villains had to attack almost every day, couldn't they at least be creative? Because, really, giant chickens is not impressive. It's weird. End of story.

He shot a repulser blast at the nearest red-eyed, fanged chicken with an aggravated noise. "One day. Can I not have one day without something like this?"

" _Head in the game, Stark,"_ the Captain's voice told him. Oh, look, there was the infuriating aspect of the man.

Tony grumbled and made it where the team couldn't hear him. "How long is this going to take, J, based on numbers?"

" _With your previous records, sir, approximately thirty minutes. The cause has yet to show his or her face."_

"Figures," Tony said. "With how monumentally weird this is, I'd bet it's Loki. The guy hasn't given us a break since he got released from space prison."

He scanned the quickly fleeing crowds and turned his comm back on. "Yo, Cap, the evil dinner course is blocking the north east exit."

 _"Got it,_ " the blond said, easily switching direction, taking out three more of the creatures with well aimed throws of his shield. Thankfully, most of the pedestrians had already skedaddled. It hadn't taken them long to figure out that whenever the Avengers showed up in full gear, it was a good time to get the heck out of dodge.

The Hulk seemed to be enjoying himself, tossing the chickens around like they were toys. Granted, most toys weren't thirty feet tall with demon eyes and razor sharp beaks.

Speaking of razor sharp beaks . . . ouch. Looks like Natasha just barely managed to miss a peck. The car behind her was not so fortunate, and the thing's beak slid through the metal like butter.  
Tony whistled through his teeth in slight shock as he blasted five of the chickens with a simple maneuver. "Woah, guys, watch out for those beaks. They'd probably go through bone with no problem."

" _Worry not, Friend Stark!"_ Thor exclaimed. _"I have bested greater enemies in my sleep!"_

Tony just shook his head at the thunder god. He caught a brief exasperated look from Clint who was hanging out on a roof, sniping the feathered creatures.

His attention snapped back when Natasha cussed loudly. " _There's a little kid out here!"_

"I'm on it," he informed, already spotting the dark headed girl with her hair in pigtails. He flew over to her, taking out two chickens on the way. He raised his hands in a placating gesture. "What are you doing out here, kid?"

The kid seemed to have a permanent pouting expression and her eyes were welling with tears. "My kitty Mr. Tibbles ran out, and he's scared of chickens!"

Tony wondered why the kid's parents hadn't kept an eye on her. Then he registered the name. "Mr. Tibbles? You know what, never mind. I'll find the cat, okay? You need to go back inside."

The kid nodded and started to make her way back inside, so Tony turned back around and wondered where he was going to find a freaking cat in this mess.

Unfortunately, he didn't get a chance to find the cat. The second his back was to the little girl, he heard a familiar god's cackle and he felt a sharp pain in the back of his head.

Normally, his suit would protect him – it was super awesome, after all – but the suit could only do so much against the strength of a psychotic god. He wasn't sure, but he was pretty positive he heard his team mates calling out in alarm. They'd better be; he was the one paying for their expenses! Oooh, lookie, that darkness sure did look comfy.

. . .

"How are his vitals, Jarvis?" someone murmured.

 _"He is in no physical damage as I assured you earlier, and his brain waves have settled back down. He is at a high risk of having a concussion."_

Tony desperately tried to block out the voices, and he was highly aware of the disgusting taste in his mouth. He swallowed, wondering why his throat was so dry. He attempted to open his eyes, but the second he succeeded, he closed them again with a groan. Why was it so _bright_?!

"Tony?!" someone demanded, and he suddenly realized that not only was he laying on cement – ouch! – but someone had removed his suit. Invasion of privacy much.

He blearily peeled his eyes open again. The sun's light still burned, but it was bearable this time. His team mates were huddled over him like anxious parents. He pushed himself up, feeling slightly dizzy. His head was pounding. "What happened?"

"Loki managed to hit you in the back of the head," Steve explained. "We chased him off and took out the rest of his . . . army."

Tony snorted, dragging himself to his feet. He swayed slightly but managed to stay upright, and started to make his way through the rubble and chicken bodies towards the Tower. "I'll be avoiding poultry for the next couple of months."

The team all agreed and seemed reassured since he still had control of his motor functions. Tony felt fine other than his headache. He might not have noticed anything wrong at all had he not scratched his arm, but he did. He abruptly froze and realized something vital was missing.

"What's wrong, Stark?" Natasha asked, obviously noticing his panic.

"My wand," Tony started, quickly searching his pockets. "Where's my wand?"

The Avengers exchanged confused looks, but he ignored them. Something caught his eye and he breathed a sigh of relief, snagging the piece of wood off the ground. "Never mind; I found it."

"That . . . is a stick," Steve slowly stated. He looked at the other Avengers. "Right?"

The others silently nodded, but Tony didn't have time to wonder what had gotten into them. Honestly, as if he hadn't regaled them with enough stories about his time in Hogwarts.

His wand was bent in an odd way, and he felt a spike of worry. He really didn't want to have to get another one; he'd had this one for over twenty years! He whisper " _Lumos."_

When the tip of the wand did not light up, his eyes widened, and he felt true panic. No, no, no! His wand _couldn't_ be broken! He got a crazed look in his eyes. He had to fix it. He took off at a mad sprint to the tower.

"Wait! TONY!" Bruce yelled after him.

"We can have a team dinner later!" he yelled back. "Right now I need to fix my wand!"

He scrambled for his lab, and the second he was inside he ordered, "Jarvis, lock down the lab. Don't let anyone in no matter what they say or do."

 _"Sir, I really must advise against –"_

"Jarvis," Tony warned. "Don't. I need peace to fix my wand. Hey, maybe I can even make it better . . ."

. . .

Three hours later, the sane members of the team were sitting around the kitchen table, thoughtfully eating dinner while Pepper was fidgeting in her chair, obviously wanting to storm back downstairs to see if Jarvis would let her inside, but she knew it was pointless.

The entire team was clueless as how to fix this problem. Amusing as it could be, they couldn't have Iron Man running around thinking he was a wizard. Jarvis had been giving them updates on Tony's condition, but nothing had changed, and he was physically healthy – or as healthy as you could be with a reactor in your chest.

They were really just waiting for Tony to reemerge at this point. There was very little conversation, everyone trying to avoid the horse in the room in the form of Tony going off the deep end.

They were just about ready to call it a night and try to get in the lab again in the morning when Tony suddenly breezed into the kitchen, plopping himself between Bruce and Pepper. He was swirling a metal rod between his fingers, and he ignored everyone's incredulous looks.

Before anyone had a chance to say anything, he flicked his metal rod towards the left over food, and a bowl of the spaghetti started to float towards him, complete with fork. With another flick, the coffee pot started pouring a cup of coffee into an Iron Man mug, and the cup floated over to him as well.

The billionaire didn't so much as blink when the food settled in front of him, seeming to not notice the bulging eyes and dropped mouths around him. He easily slipped the metal rod into a leather band on his forearm, and he dug into his food.

"Did he just?" Steve asked no one in particular. No one answered.

Bruce put his head in his hands, and Pepper opened and closed her mouth, seemingly speechless. Natasha seemed deeply confused. "Did you just make that, er, wand?"

Tony nodded with a slightly embarrassed look, slurping up his dinner. "Yeah. It's got nothing on Ollivanders, but it's the best I could do in the time I had. I'll work on it some more tomorrow."

The entire team blinked, and Bruce groaned into his hands. Clint kept tilting his head to the side, looking very similar to a bird. Pepper gestured to Tony, away from Tony, towards the sky, and finally stood up with a strangled noise, storming from the kitchen.

The Avengers blankly watched Tony as he finished his spaghetti. Once done, he flicked his metal rod again, and the dishes floated to the sink and started to wash themselves. He then casually strolled out of the kitchen, humming an ACDC song.

The second he was gone, Bruce started to thump his head on the table, Clint started to shake his head, Natasha hummed thoughtfully, Steve repeated his previous question ("Did he just?"), and Thor seemed confused.

"I was unaware that Friend Stark possessed magic!" the god boomed.

Bruce made a disgruntled noise, giving his forehead a break by resting it against his arm. "He doesn't." He shook his head. "He made a wand. I cannot believe this."

The Avengers silently digested this new information. Suddenly, Clint straightened up with an excited gleam in his eyes. "I wonder if he would make me one?"

As one, Clint and Natasha jumped up and sprinted after the billionaire, both of the super assassins looking reminiscent of two children on Christmas. Tony never saw the darkly clad duo coming.

Steve shook his head and left, figuring that he'd be spared a headache if he decided to not question. Thor continued to look confused, but he eventually started hunting for Pop Tarts. Soon, Bruce was left alone, thumping his head on the table, wondering why he lived in a universe where the laws of _everything_ could be casually broken every day.

 _ **A/N: And that's a wrap! Please let me know your thoughts. :)**_


End file.
